Regrettably- awake

At this point i dont even know what to write- i feel like im rambling, just one huge mess of unfinished thoughts sentences and blogs. watch that will end up being my title. :P i just need to get out more and do something, if not with people at least alone. I think you've hit a whole different point in your life when all you do is sit in your room blog listen to music that NO ONE has ever heard of, and talk to your dog. Who i hate to say- pretty sure understands me and talks back. but what do i know, im the crazy blogger dog talker. as well as a huge list of other things. that ive come to embrace :) If anyone is actually reading my ramblings. Thanks- and im sorry for putting you through what is to be the biggest waste of your time everr. But hey at least im better than 60% of the rest of the blogs that i scroll through that happen to be all about Jesus or in a language i cannot understand. Whats with christains loving up on blogging. Hm, maybe its because the rest of us got tired of having it pushed down our thoughts in public so they took it to in the internet. Dont get me wrong here, i love religion, i think its a great thing to have a support system in your life and something to believe in whatever it may be. What i do have a problem with is when you use what you believe to tell me im going to hell because i dont live the way you do. Theres alot of different beliefs and i think everyone is entilted to belive what they want without judgement, im pretty sure Jesus was a man of love, not condemnation. sorry folks, its manly my family thats put a stigma on the rest of you. and this is where i say adiou before i start world war 3. and we dont need that. I'll talk more on this tomorrow.

wanna know what sucks, when your life is like a reality show. i know ive talked about AWKWARD before, but this show seriously is me. Shes all bummed out about a boy and having no friends and shes like no big i have the interweb- and goes on chat random. a guy asks if he can show her his dick and she shuts the screen disgusted. haa, idk why people go on that, it can be funny but most of the time is just some nasty dudes who are obviously to poor to buy poor and to ugly to get an actual girl :P haha. Random change of thought- What do you do when your've been friends with someone for such a long time but you know the realtaionship isnt as healthy as it should be, ? no its not a boy. just a friend. gah. its cold in my room, and im hungry but im so full- which doesnt make any sencee! i gotta get ready for bed.

to be or not to be.

aw shit, i go through all this crap to come to the possible thought of me and richard actually being better as just friends. I mean today on our "date" it was more just like hanging out with a friend. in other words - no intamcy whatsoever. which kinda lets a girl down at the end of the night. I know im not in a position to really exspect that from him right now but i guess part of me kinda did. if its only the first date we've been out maybe things could be diffrent, but i feel like its just a spinning cirlce when we hang out, we do the same things. I just miss the emotional attachment- just as much as the physical bond. with everything ive been noticing though, i feel like i might need some convincing on his part if he does want to get back together. With reason i think. I deserve just as much back as i give him, and i just dont feel like im getting it, and with not being together- thats not fair. Right? Or am i way out of line

Dysfunction.

I believe that everyone comes from pain and a certain amount of dysfunction.m- Mariel Hemingway. I regret to say that I dont know much about Mariel, but i agree with her statement 100% and ten fold. I recently was writing in my journal- and while it may not be in the spirit of blogging, im going to type out what I wrote down, because for some reason while i was re- reading it i was inspired by my own words and its only fair I pass them on and possibly help someone else like Mariel helped me. Even if you dont know much about me. It;s true, everyone has something they struggle with, its a matter of how you deal with it- that shows your true character. All the pain im feelings will transcend into something good, beautiful and learned. A lesson I can use to pass on and remember. Pain- is truly the purest source of inspiration and wisdom there is. Without it id never have grown into who i am. Mariel your 100% correct.

McDonalds Model

Im fat. no no no dont start with the bullshit crap about how no your not you may not be skinny but your not fat, but i know im fat. That nasty flap of tummy fat that hangs over your jeans when your sitting down. Yeah, i know you have it too. You've got to if you have time to sit and read my blog. thats pathetic my dear friend, were in the same boat. I can say nah im good i eat vegetables i work out sometimes. hahaha but the thing is. i dont. not at all. for example, as i write this - im watching Americas next top model while eating McDonalds! that is a new low gentlemen. I deserve an award- im not exactly sure what for but i know i deserve one. I should start doing yoga... haha! no seriously i really should... ill attempt to start that. soon.

Fast food dreams.

Woo! orientation at taco johns today went well, the lady in charge of hours and stuff is very nice and i think even though its going to be the most crappy job ever, the people will be good working with, and they dont mind smokers, so thats GREAT. I cant imagine working 8 hours with no ciggerete break! id die. Im overwhelmed with all the stuff I have left to do before classes start in a little over a month- which will go by SO fast! its crazy! ad tuition is due on the 6th which is wayyyy soon. gah, whats a girl to do! Even thinking about it i feel like i should take a nap!

No one to impress.

First picture with my new laptop :) I figured I should break it in huh? :) throw your hands up for the beach hair and no makeup! its how I do it, no one to impress, and could care less.