I cant keep sleeping in your bed if your keep messing with my head, before i slip under your sheets can you give me something please? I cant keep touching you like this if its just temporary bliss. Part of me thinks that its not a big deal, that its just intimacy with someone, but at the same time, its not. It should be the full package shouldn't it? maybe i should be using it to MY advantage, not his. At the same time though, hes a real friend unlike alot of the ones i have. I just want to be respected, and have effort put in like i do. But that doesnt seam to happen and what im doing isnt going to get me it. How am i suposed to work on myself with i have a thing" with someone. Maybe i should just step back for awhile, work, school and try to be okay being on my own for awhile. IM getting another tattoo soon, for myself. I want a tree from the used album cover. / alex pardee, but i also want something from edgar allen poe. idk what yet though, i want it to be a symbol of new beginning, of being okay on my own, of power.

Goyte.

His music has inspired me, that line the girl says in somebody i used to know, desrcibes how i feel about me and richards realtionship. haha i feel so free:) i had a crazy night last night with my gay friends :P ommmmgggg :D

Subconscious.

all my life ive tried to be who my family wanted, who my boyfriends wanted me to be. But that isn't fair to me, and im here to say that im DONE doing that. Im dont giving up myself for people, i deserve just as much back as i give. as much as it hurts to move on from some of the people i love, i know now that its for the best. If they really love me, and its ment to be- it'll work out. They should call me, and want to spend time with me. right now, that isn't happening. and whatever, live and let live. I dont need a guy to make me happy, or to be okay with myself. Im a great person, smart, caring, loving, creative, supportive. A realtionship is work, and right now im not willing to give that, I dont want to take care of someone who isn't going to take care of me in return.

Dull.

Where are all the intresting people out there, im talking about the ones that will sit in a coffee shop with me and talk about nothing, and everything all day. I feel like everyone is so dull. so cliche. so unoriginal. ive been thinking about things all day, and I finnaly came to the realization that i need to take a step back and work on me, i have to be less dependent than i am, and be able to take care of myself before i go back into any type of relationship with anyone. I still have intention of trying things with him again in the future - IF HE GETS HIS LIFE TOGETHER AS WELL- im writing that in bold because im making it a promise, i wont take him back just because i love him, i have to see a change in him too. I need to manage my over thinking, my anxiety, my dependency on men. When i really turn around and look at me, im just as dull as everyone else out there in the world. With my problem of the day. I was doing research today, did you know that its been proven that if you put out a positive attitude you actually have a more positive outcome and atmosphere to things. Im going to try to work on that, but positive thinking is a lifestyle, and it wont be easy. not for anyone, and even harder for me. So heres a list, of things i need to work on. 1. dependency 2. positive thinking 3. anxiety management - find outlets that help diminish 4. limit facebook activity, you'll just stalk him. 5. dont smother him, limit your calls. - let him come to you. 6. make new friends- go out, HAVE FUN. 7. make time for yourself, be okay being alone. and mostly, remember - if he really loves you, and its ment to be, everything will work out in the end. You cant control other peoples feelings and choices, all you can do is control how you react to them. Love yourself.be positive.stay strong.relax.

Stay strong, and move along.

I have to stop relying on a man/ other people to take care of me and be around, i cant keep making myself in the position of doing everything for them. This is my time to focus on me and have fun. I cant keep worrying about what hes doing, who hes with and etc. If he really does want it to work out, hes the one that needs to decide that and take the steps to be more mature. Ive always wanted to date a cute indie guy, one with tattoos and dreads, plays the gutair and sells pot. But is super down to earth. haha, i need to stop watching oliver stone films. :P seriously though, this is going to be really hard for me, but im going to do it. I deserve better. :D

Left with questions.

are you supposed to act hard to get and let them call you, or show you care? cuz lately i feel like im a taxi service and a hole for when needed. Its not cool. what ever happened to the good guys that sweep you off your feet. - oh! that right, that's in fairy tales. which my life is SO NOT. then again i don't think id like it if it was. Id still have something to complain about. I guess I just have to find something to occupy myself and let him come to me. right, right? gah i gotta stop thinking about it, im gunna kick back and relaxx.

Friday the 13th.

Ive never understood why everyone gets all freaky on this day. i love it:) ironically my favorite number is 13. it would be wouldn't it i think im going to go out and do something crazy :) idk what yet, but it'll happen! probably go to nicks, and we all know what that means. i wanna go sit at a coffee shop, blog and listen to music. gah and i still have to o downtown to give tjs my available shit. gahh, i am sooo not showering. i did yesterday- thats enough.