I cant keep sleeping in your bed if your keep messing with my head, before i slip under your sheets can you give me something please? I cant keep touching you like this if its just temporary bliss. Part of me thinks that its not a big deal, that its just intimacy with someone, but at the same time, its not. It should be the full package shouldn't it? maybe i should be using it to MY advantage, not his. At the same time though, hes a real friend unlike alot of the ones i have. I just want to be respected, and have effort put in like i do. But that doesnt seam to happen and what im doing isnt going to get me it. How am i suposed to work on myself with i have a thing" with someone. Maybe i should just step back for awhile, work, school and try to be okay being on my own for awhile. IM getting another tattoo soon, for myself. I want a tree from the used album cover. / alex pardee, but i also want something from edgar allen poe. idk what yet though, i want it to be a symbol of new beginning, of being okay on my own, of power.

Goyte.

His music has inspired me, that line the girl says in somebody i used to know, desrcibes how i feel about me and richards realtionship. haha i feel so free:) i had a crazy night last night with my gay friends :P ommmmgggg :D

Subconscious.

all my life ive tried to be who my family wanted, who my boyfriends wanted me to be. But that isn't fair to me, and im here to say that im DONE doing that. Im dont giving up myself for people, i deserve just as much back as i give. as much as it hurts to move on from some of the people i love, i know now that its for the best. If they really love me, and its ment to be- it'll work out. They should call me, and want to spend time with me. right now, that isn't happening. and whatever, live and let live. I dont need a guy to make me happy, or to be okay with myself. Im a great person, smart, caring, loving, creative, supportive. A realtionship is work, and right now im not willing to give that, I dont want to take care of someone who isn't going to take care of me in return.

Dull.

Where are all the intresting people out there, im talking about the ones that will sit in a coffee shop with me and talk about nothing, and everything all day. I feel like everyone is so dull. so cliche. so unoriginal. ive been thinking about things all day, and I finnaly came to the realization that i need to take a step back and work on me, i have to be less dependent than i am, and be able to take care of myself before i go back into any type of relationship with anyone. I still have intention of trying things with him again in the future - IF HE GETS HIS LIFE TOGETHER AS WELL- im writing that in bold because im making it a promise, i wont take him back just because i love him, i have to see a change in him too. I need to manage my over thinking, my anxiety, my dependency on men. When i really turn around and look at me, im just as dull as everyone else out there in the world. With my problem of the day. I was doing research today, did you know that its been proven that if you put out a positive attitude you actually have a more positive outcome and atmosphere to things. Im going to try to work on that, but positive thinking is a lifestyle, and it wont be easy. not for anyone, and even harder for me. So heres a list, of things i need to work on. 1. dependency 2. positive thinking 3. anxiety management - find outlets that help diminish 4. limit facebook activity, you'll just stalk him. 5. dont smother him, limit your calls. - let him come to you. 6. make new friends- go out, HAVE FUN. 7. make time for yourself, be okay being alone. and mostly, remember - if he really loves you, and its ment to be, everything will work out in the end. You cant control other peoples feelings and choices, all you can do is control how you react to them. Love yourself.be positive.stay strong.relax.

Stay strong, and move along.

I have to stop relying on a man/ other people to take care of me and be around, i cant keep making myself in the position of doing everything for them. This is my time to focus on me and have fun. I cant keep worrying about what hes doing, who hes with and etc. If he really does want it to work out, hes the one that needs to decide that and take the steps to be more mature. Ive always wanted to date a cute indie guy, one with tattoos and dreads, plays the gutair and sells pot. But is super down to earth. haha, i need to stop watching oliver stone films. :P seriously though, this is going to be really hard for me, but im going to do it. I deserve better. :D

Left with questions.

are you supposed to act hard to get and let them call you, or show you care? cuz lately i feel like im a taxi service and a hole for when needed. Its not cool. what ever happened to the good guys that sweep you off your feet. - oh! that right, that's in fairy tales. which my life is SO NOT. then again i don't think id like it if it was. Id still have something to complain about. I guess I just have to find something to occupy myself and let him come to me. right, right? gah i gotta stop thinking about it, im gunna kick back and relaxx.

Friday the 13th.

Ive never understood why everyone gets all freaky on this day. i love it:) ironically my favorite number is 13. it would be wouldn't it i think im going to go out and do something crazy :) idk what yet, but it'll happen! probably go to nicks, and we all know what that means. i wanna go sit at a coffee shop, blog and listen to music. gah and i still have to o downtown to give tjs my available shit. gahh, i am sooo not showering. i did yesterday- thats enough.

Regrettably- awake

At this point i dont even know what to write- i feel like im rambling, just one huge mess of unfinished thoughts sentences and blogs. watch that will end up being my title. :P i just need to get out more and do something, if not with people at least alone. I think you've hit a whole different point in your life when all you do is sit in your room blog listen to music that NO ONE has ever heard of, and talk to your dog. Who i hate to say- pretty sure understands me and talks back. but what do i know, im the crazy blogger dog talker. as well as a huge list of other things. that ive come to embrace :) If anyone is actually reading my ramblings. Thanks- and im sorry for putting you through what is to be the biggest waste of your time everr. But hey at least im better than 60% of the rest of the blogs that i scroll through that happen to be all about Jesus or in a language i cannot understand. Whats with christains loving up on blogging. Hm, maybe its because the rest of us got tired of having it pushed down our thoughts in public so they took it to in the internet. Dont get me wrong here, i love religion, i think its a great thing to have a support system in your life and something to believe in whatever it may be. What i do have a problem with is when you use what you believe to tell me im going to hell because i dont live the way you do. Theres alot of different beliefs and i think everyone is entilted to belive what they want without judgement, im pretty sure Jesus was a man of love, not condemnation. sorry folks, its manly my family thats put a stigma on the rest of you. and this is where i say adiou before i start world war 3. and we dont need that. I'll talk more on this tomorrow.

wanna know what sucks, when your life is like a reality show. i know ive talked about AWKWARD before, but this show seriously is me. Shes all bummed out about a boy and having no friends and shes like no big i have the interweb- and goes on chat random. a guy asks if he can show her his dick and she shuts the screen disgusted. haa, idk why people go on that, it can be funny but most of the time is just some nasty dudes who are obviously to poor to buy poor and to ugly to get an actual girl :P haha. Random change of thought- What do you do when your've been friends with someone for such a long time but you know the realtaionship isnt as healthy as it should be, ? no its not a boy. just a friend. gah. its cold in my room, and im hungry but im so full- which doesnt make any sencee! i gotta get ready for bed.

to be or not to be.

aw shit, i go through all this crap to come to the possible thought of me and richard actually being better as just friends. I mean today on our "date" it was more just like hanging out with a friend. in other words - no intamcy whatsoever. which kinda lets a girl down at the end of the night. I know im not in a position to really exspect that from him right now but i guess part of me kinda did. if its only the first date we've been out maybe things could be diffrent, but i feel like its just a spinning cirlce when we hang out, we do the same things. I just miss the emotional attachment- just as much as the physical bond. with everything ive been noticing though, i feel like i might need some convincing on his part if he does want to get back together. With reason i think. I deserve just as much back as i give him, and i just dont feel like im getting it, and with not being together- thats not fair. Right? Or am i way out of line

Dysfunction.

I believe that everyone comes from pain and a certain amount of dysfunction.m- Mariel Hemingway. I regret to say that I dont know much about Mariel, but i agree with her statement 100% and ten fold. I recently was writing in my journal- and while it may not be in the spirit of blogging, im going to type out what I wrote down, because for some reason while i was re- reading it i was inspired by my own words and its only fair I pass them on and possibly help someone else like Mariel helped me. Even if you dont know much about me. It;s true, everyone has something they struggle with, its a matter of how you deal with it- that shows your true character. All the pain im feelings will transcend into something good, beautiful and learned. A lesson I can use to pass on and remember. Pain- is truly the purest source of inspiration and wisdom there is. Without it id never have grown into who i am. Mariel your 100% correct.

McDonalds Model

Im fat. no no no dont start with the bullshit crap about how no your not you may not be skinny but your not fat, but i know im fat. That nasty flap of tummy fat that hangs over your jeans when your sitting down. Yeah, i know you have it too. You've got to if you have time to sit and read my blog. thats pathetic my dear friend, were in the same boat. I can say nah im good i eat vegetables i work out sometimes. hahaha but the thing is. i dont. not at all. for example, as i write this - im watching Americas next top model while eating McDonalds! that is a new low gentlemen. I deserve an award- im not exactly sure what for but i know i deserve one. I should start doing yoga... haha! no seriously i really should... ill attempt to start that. soon.

Fast food dreams.

Woo! orientation at taco johns today went well, the lady in charge of hours and stuff is very nice and i think even though its going to be the most crappy job ever, the people will be good working with, and they dont mind smokers, so thats GREAT. I cant imagine working 8 hours with no ciggerete break! id die. Im overwhelmed with all the stuff I have left to do before classes start in a little over a month- which will go by SO fast! its crazy! ad tuition is due on the 6th which is wayyyy soon. gah, whats a girl to do! Even thinking about it i feel like i should take a nap!

No one to impress.

First picture with my new laptop :) I figured I should break it in huh? :) throw your hands up for the beach hair and no makeup! its how I do it, no one to impress, and could care less.

AWKWARD.

You seen that show? It relates to my life more than anyone could understand. well...minus the fact that she tends to turn everything into a shitty situation. Thats a hard one to beat. My high school life was like that, i was that weird indie chick that hung out in the art room, always with a starbucks coffee in my hand.
On an upside things with richard are getting better- were not exactly together but were seeing each other once a week or so and we have a date on thursday actually :) SAVAGES! that movie looks amazing, ill be sure to let you all know... well myself considering i have no followers :P but thats whatever.
on to bigger and better things.
- meaning sleeping and some Pride and Prejudice

Laptop day!

Hey there interweb! I got a laptop today, I can actually start blogging now. Its like a big online journal. Thanks to my friend Kayla, who got me into the idea. We can be blog buddies! I cant say that it will be very interesting- because in reality i dont have much of a life- which is why id be spending all my time blogging. None the less I have alot of poetry and things on my mind that is good to get down on paper/ screen. Maybe the feedback on internet friends will help? Only time will tell!

Day 1. 7/12/11

You left yesterday, shiped off for a full 6 months... I keep listening to sad music. I even have the urge to rent movies like dear john, which we both know I hate. Its funny how you miss someone so much you start to feel sick, out of place. Im trying to find other things to keep me busy, like writing this as if its to you. Im going to re-read harry potter 7 today, then watch the movies all night. I have my 2nd interview today in a half hour, im kind of nervous but im just going to go and be myself.  On another note, montana is really depressed, im breaking his heart. Josh says to do what makes ME happy, it's new to me, I usally dont do things for myself. I supose it's time that happends though right?
I need a change of scenery.
I might just cut off my hair, dye it dark brown or black.. and start over.
Remember when i danced in the rain ? you just stood and watched me.. then walked out there, took me in your arms and kissed me. :)
I relize that im rambling and nothing fits together, but my brain is scrambled.. i know your fighting for us. I just wish you didnt have to leave me to do that..